Self-Esteem & Confidence

Boundaries are basically the emotional, physical, and mental lines we draw so people don't drain us, take advantage of us, or make us lose our minds. They are the space we need to stay grounded, feel like ourselves, and keep our well-being intact. It's how we protect our peace and our autonomy in relationships.

What are some practical tips to enforce boundaries?

Clear Communication

Speak up for yourself in a way that's direct but not dramatic. Use "I" statements so you stay grounded in your own needs.

For example: instead of hinting or hoping someone magically reads your mind, say, "I need some alone time tonight." Not "You should leave me alone," not "Ugh I'm exhausted," not silent resentment. Just…say the thing.

Set Consequences

Boundaries without consequences are just… suggestions. Read that again if you need to. If someone keeps pushing, tell them what will happen.

For example: "If you keep making comments about my dating life after I've asked you not to, I'll need to take a step back from our conversations." This is not a threat, it's a result of someone not respecting you.

Be Consistent

If you set a boundary on Tuesday but let it slide on Thursday, people will get confused. Think of it like training a puppy…except the puppy is a grown adult who should know better. Enforce your boundaries the same way each time so people understand that you are serious.

Seek Support

Sometimes setting boundaries feels like emotional weightlifting—you get stronger, but it helps to have a spotter. In individual counseling I would hype you up, help you rehearse what to say, and remind you that you're not "too much" for wanting basic respect.

Stay Firm but Calm

Warning: this is easier said than done. When someone crosses the line, you don't need to become a volcano and blow. Do your best to stay cool and clear.

You may want to say: "I hear what you're saying, but I'm still not comfortable talking about that." Calm + firm = power

Use Body Language

Your words matter, but so does how you say them. Hold your head up, keep your shoulders back, make eye contact. Even if you feel like a wobbly baby deer inside, your body language helps communicate: I mean what I'm saying.

Limit Exposure

The reality is, not everyone is going to respect your boundaries. If someone absolutely refuses to respect your boundaries, after you've been clear, consistent, and kind, you're allowed to step away. That might mean shorter visits, fewer texts, or in extreme cases, going no-contact. Protecting your peace is not rude; it's necessary.

Set Boundaries in Advance

When starting something new (i.e. job, friendship, situationship) put your needs on the table early.

Example: "Just a heads up, I'm not available after 9 PM for texts unless it's important," or "I don't gossip about coworkers" or "I do not lend money to friends" or "I do not drink." Starting early saves you about 47 future headaches (exact number TBD.)

Recognize Manipulative Behavior

Some people will test you by guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or playing the victim to get you to cave. Notice it. Name it to yourself. Don't fall for it.

Example: If you say "I can't hang out tonight" and they respond with, "Wow, I guess you don't care about me anymore," that's not love, that's manipulation.

Respect Others' Boundaries

Healthy boundaries go both ways. If you honor other people's lines, like backing off when someone says they're tired or not pressing for details they don't want to share, they're way more likely to respect yours too. It sets the tone for mutual, grown-up, healthy connection.

Back Pocket Phrases

First, let's name the differences between self-esteem and confidence.

🧁 Self-Esteem = How much you like yourself

You may be thinking, "Do I feel good about who I am?" This reflects your overall sense of self-worth.

🎈 Confidence = How much you believe you can do something

This focuses on your abilities. You might ask yourself, "Do I think I can do this?"

You can have high self-esteem and low confidence, or the opposite.

Quick examples:

High self-esteem + low confidence: "I like who I am, but I feel nervous about asking for a raise."

Low self-esteem + high confidence: "I know I can do the presentation well, but I still doubt my overall abilities."

It's important to differentiate the two because increasing them may require different approaches.

🌟 How to Improve Self-Esteem (how much you like you)

1. Talk to yourself like a friend

You spend more time with yourself than anyone else. It's time to start being kinder to yourself. If you wouldn't say something to your best friend, don't you dare say it to yourself.

2. Collect "wins" about who you are

Wins add up. Even one a day becomes 30 at the end of the month. Start tracking. Write down things you like about your personality: "I'm kind," "I try hard," "I care about people."

3. Hang out with people who make you feel good

Your time is valuable. Your energy is valuable. You deserve to be around people who treat you well. Surround yourself with positive people, and you will naturally feel more positive about yourself.

4. Do things that match your values

Have you noticed my core values on the About page? Identifying and living by your core values will increase your self-esteem.

5. Stop trying to be perfect

Self-esteem grows when you allow yourself to make mistakes instead of beating yourself up for them.

🚀 How to Improve Confidence (how much you believe you can do things)

1. Practice tiny steps

Confidence comes from doing little things again and again. You may surprise yourself with what you're capable of. Think about times you tried something new, an instrument, a workout program, and shocked yourself.

2. Say "I can try," not "I can't"

Your language and self-talk directly impact your confidence. Confidence doesn't come from knowing you'll succeed; it comes from being willing to try.

3. Prepare

"Winging it" rarely works: it's basically roulette. Preparation, however, builds confidence. The more prepared you are (for a talk, meeting, test, anything), the more confident you will feel. Preparation stacks the odds in your favor.

4. Remember past successes

Your brain forgets. Remind it: "I've done hard things before."

5. Fake it a little

There's plenty of research showing that "fake it until you make it" can help build confidence. Therapists often call this "acting as if" or "behavioral activation." Change the behavior first, and the positive feelings follow.

🎁 Quick summary

Self-esteem grows when you treat yourself kindly and live in a way that aligns with your values.

Confidence grows when you practice, prepare, and prove to yourself, again and again, that you can handle things.